I'm not afraid ...

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of dying now. I have been putting off reconciling myself with God. I'm quite sure that the road to heaven requires me to to be totally honest with myself and with others; to surrender myself completely to God's will; to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. I'm just not ready for all of that and the prospects of my ever being ready for all of that do not look good. "Seek first the Spirit".... yeah, right. I say and sing that with fervor at the proper times noting with pleasure the admiring glances and imagined praises for me that I have placed in the minds of any and all who might be watching. All is vanity. If I die now, I will kneel fearful and ashamed before the judgement of the Lord.I used to chew Bazooka gum as a boy. Inside each wrapper was a Bazooka Joe comic. One that I remember to this day had Joe listening to a soapbox speaker. A look of fear comes across Joe's face as he listens. He yells to the man, "When did you say the earth is going to end?" The speaker says "Six billion years." A look of relief then comes across Joe's face. He says, "Whew! I thought you said six million!" There is no tomorrow, there is only today. I know I said that yesterday but I still believe it. I only wish I believed it enough to take that step toward Him that God is waiting for me to take.