Huh?

My band had a gig today playing for the local March of Dimes walk-a-thon. We have known about the gig for many months. The bass player, who booked the gig, has been reminding us for weeks. He sent an email yesterday reminding us. We were supposed to be there at 8 AM this morning. So this morning I get up completely oblivious to the fact that I am supposed to be getting ready for the gig. I have a leisurely breakfast, start watching Sunday Morning on CBS. Then I get the call. "Where are you?!!" OOps!! I hustled and got there in time to start so it wasn't a disaster, but my bandmates had a field day teasing me every chance they could about my terrible memory. The funny thing is I don't feel that my memory is so bad, but today kind of shocked me. How could I have forgotten? I am starting to think that I may have inherited my mother's memory problem. She developed dementia in her nineties. It was very sad to watch her slowly become completely disoriented, paranoid, fearful, depressed, incompetent. She knew it was happening and was not able to accept her condition. So I laughed along with the guys teasing me but in the back of my mind I am wondering what might happen.

I'm not afraid ...

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of dying now. I have been putting off reconciling myself with God. I'm quite sure that the road to heaven requires me to to be totally honest with myself and with others; to surrender myself completely to God's will; to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. I'm just not ready for all of that and the prospects of my ever being ready for all of that do not look good. "Seek first the Spirit".... yeah, right. I say and sing that with fervor at the proper times noting with pleasure the admiring glances and imagined praises for me that I have placed in the minds of any and all who might be watching. All is vanity. If I die now, I will kneel fearful and ashamed before the judgement of the Lord.I used to chew Bazooka gum as a boy. Inside each wrapper was a Bazooka Joe comic. One that I remember to this day had Joe listening to a soapbox speaker. A look of fear comes across Joe's face as he listens. He yells to the man, "When did you say the earth is going to end?" The speaker says "Six billion years." A look of relief then comes across Joe's face. He says, "Whew! I thought you said six million!" There is no tomorrow, there is only today. I know I said that yesterday but I still believe it. I only wish I believed it enough to take that step toward Him that God is waiting for me to take.

Anybo...

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Love and Death on the Today show

The Today show had an interview with the family of a young woman who was killed in Iraq. There are two more sisters also in the military who have to decide whether or not to go back. Because I also listen to right wing talk radio just to balance things out politically, I wonder if there is a left wing bias to the national media when I see such interviews. Is there an agenda in these interviews? Are they attempts to galvanize public opinion against the war or are they sincere attempts to see the war objectively from the eyes of those most tragically affected by it? I do not watch Fox news regularly because I can't stand the personalities and because the right wing bias is so blatant, but I don't think they do interviews like this. Would that be because they see NBC doing them and peg them as left wing propaganda and don't want to be a part of it? Do they feel that the real cost of war is something that while tragic, is something that we must pause to remember but not allow to weaken our national resolve. I suspect the latter. Love and Death fill our senses every day. All our actions spring from these two sources. All my questions come from the place where these two meet. Where is the truth? Is the death of this woman a terrible tragedy that should make us all contact our congress person and demand an end to U.S. involvement in this war? Is the death of this woman a terrible tragedy that should make us all contact our congress person and demand more troops to put the screws to those evil bastards who perpetrate such violence? Is the death of this woman a senseless tragedy that implicates us all as sinners in need of true repentence? Is the death of this woman the act of a true patriot and hero defending with her life the freedom that we all enjoy and take for granted? Is gender involved in making this a national story? Will there not be a movie made about this because she was not as beautiful as Jessica Lynch?Where do you stand?

JWs

At my job there is a man who is a Jehovah's Witness. I spend two hours with him every day during the changeover from day shift to night shift. He has begun his mission with me and others at work to save us from eternal damnation. Because of his proselytizing I have done a little research into the JW organization. I believe that the word "cult" accurately describes it. They are certainly well meaning people, but they have no tolerance for discussion with sound rebuttals to their belief system. He gave me some literature which I read and I found rebuttals for all the inconsistencies. I made a list of websites that answered the false claims of his literature and asked him if he wanted to look at them. He said ther was no reason for him to get involved with "apostates". So it's OK for me, who he knows is a practicing Catholic, to read his literature which refutes the basic tenets of my faith, but he has no time to read or think about anything that might contradict his faith. That tells me that his faith is based on sand and would be easily washed away by the truth. I plan on telling him that I no longer want to hear his proselytizing. There really is place for it in the workplace.

running away

So my LJ friend Brandy has run away. All those who care about her are worried or sad or angry or guilty or depressed or fearful or all of the above. My wife (L) was a runaway at that age too. Her parents were divorced and hated each other. Her mother made her feel like she was in a prison. She made L feel like she was stupid, like she could not be trusted. She put L away in a home for persons in need of supervision (PINS). L ran away from there too. She still bears psychic scars from that period in her life.L grew up to be strong, a loving mother and wife. One of the advantages of growing older is that you gain perspective. Bad situations that you once thought would never end and would destroy you, end and don't destroy you. Things that you thought you had to have right then or else you couldn't make it another day, come later at a time that you have no control over and you make it another day and you find out that the wait is worth it.So Brandy and family and friends, this too will pass. Just remember that every action has consequences, most unintended. Many of those consequences bring pain to others delaying the time for the storm to pass. Focus on reducing the pain that you cause others. Deep down that's what we all want. We hurt others because we have been hurt and want to show how it feels, in an effort to STOP THE HURTING.And to those involved who profess a belief in God, PRAY. Ask and you shall receive. Dear God, please bring resolution to Brandy's runaway situation and to all who are running away either physically or emotionally. Please help all involved to see the wisdom in sheathing their weapons and bringing an end to the hurting. Let your love bind all wounds and bring peace to this family and its circle of friends.

What do you want?

Here, in no particular order, is what I want:to be a saintto be able to laugh while becoming a saintto feel God's love especially when I'm hiding from himeternal life with God in heavento write a classic, timeless hit songto create the guitar solo that moved the worldforgiveness from my wifethe love that my wife and I had when we got marriedgrandchildren to hold and smother with loveto be able to run like I could when I was seventeento open the eyes of the hearts of my CCD studentsan end to child abusean end to waran end to hungeran end to diseasean end to self hatredan end to injusticean end to intolerancean end to addictionsa way to cope with the effects of guiltmore intimate friendsto get lost in the songto have people with me when I get lost in the songCatholics to smile moreto be able to see the big picture...God's willto be able to understand the role of pain in the big pictureto accept the role of pain in the big pictureGod's forgivenessto accept God's forgivenessto feel joy on Easter morningto see my parents againto be authenticto be as handsome as I think I amfor everyone who reads this to tell me what they want

stream of consciousness

My favorite picture, taken on a camping trip in NY state. Yes friends there is beauty in New York!

real reality

So how did you feel when you found out that your daughter had been kidnapped, brutally beaten to death and then had her body mutilated? <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

(Breaks down sobbing)

Judges?

"That was the most amateurish, insincere attempt at a display of real emotion that I have ever seen!"

"Hold on! I think she was very sincere. Just look at those tears. Here honey take this tissue."

"I'm bored. Next"

This scene came to my mind as I watched Matt Lauer on NBC interview the family of a girl who has been missing for a few days now. I suppose the family is hoping that the national exposure will lead to the finding of their daughter. It makes me squirm however, to watch them, feeling like I am in the Roman coliseum watching the gladiators facing the hungry lions. The one good thing that probably comes out of it is that many more people will be praying for her safe return than if they had not agreed to let themselves be interviewed. But it just confirms once again the schizophrenic nature of our media culture. If this had happened to my next door neighbor, I would be over at their house holding hands, praying, sharing the pain. Since it is apparently only pixels on a screen and images in my mind, I can feel OK not letting myself become emotionally involved. It is powerful training. Nothing is sacred, nothing is shocking, nothing and no one can touch me, I can touch nothing and no one. Safe within my little shell. Life is. beautiful

message to Diane

http://www2.bc.edu/~anderso/sr/ft.htmlhttp://www2.bc.edu/~anderso/sr/sr.htmlI fled Him, down the nights and down the days; I fled Him, down the arches of the years; I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears I hid from Him, and under running laughter. Up vistaed hopes I sped; And shot, precipitated, Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears, From those strong Feet that followed, followed after. But with unhurrying chase, And unperturbèd pace, Deliberate speed, majestic instancy, They beat - and a Voice beat More instant than the Feet - "All things betray thee, who betrayest Me." I pleaded, outlaw-wise, By many a hearted casement, curtained red, Trellised with intertwining charities; (For, though I knew His love Who followèd, Yet I was sore adread Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.) But, if one little casement parted wide, The gust of His approach would clash it to. Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue. Across the margent of the world I fled, And troubled the gold gateways of the stars, Smiting for shelter on their clangèd bars; Fretted to dulcet jars And silvern chatter the pale ports o' the moon. I said to Dawn: Be sudden - to Eve: Be soon; With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over From this tremendous Lover - Float thy vague veil about me, lest He see! I tempted all His servitors, but to find My own betrayal in their constancy, In faith to Him their fickleness to me, Their traitorous trueness, and their loyal deceit. To all swift things for swiftness did I sue; Clung to the whistling mane of every wind. But whether they swept, smoothly fleet, The long savannahs of the blue; Or whether, Thunder-driven, They clanged His chariot 'thwart a heaven, Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn o' their feet: - Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue. Still with unhurrying chase, And unperturbèd pace, Deliberate speed, majestic instancy, Came on the following Feet, And a Voice above their beat - "Naught shelters thee, who wilt not shelter Me." Now of that long pursuit Comes on at had the bruit; That Voice is round me like a bursting sea: "And is thy earth so marred, Shattered in shard on shard? Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest Me! Strange, piteous, futile thing! Wherfore should any set thee love apart? Seeing none but I make much of naught" (He said), "And human love needs human meriting: How hast thou merited - Of all man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot? Alack, thou knowest not How little worthy of any love thou art! Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee, Save Me, save only Me? All which I took from thee I did but take, Not for thy harms, But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms. All which thy child's mistake Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home: Rise, clasp My hand, and come."Halts by me that footfall: Is my gloom, after all, Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly? "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest, I am He Whom thou seekest! Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."

dark ages

At bedtime prayers with my son tonight we were somehow talking about the dark ages. He asked me about them and I had to admit that I didn't know much about them other than that civilization as it was known declined into disorganization and chaos. I decided to do a little research. It turns out that the barbarians had a lot to do with the fall of the Roman empire. The Vikings, the Visigoths, the Magyars invaded. A lot of the learning that had been developed was lost. I got to thinking about the Minnesota Vikings and about the young people in my son's junior high school today called "goths". When we name a team or group of people after bloosthirsty barbarians, we've pretty much lost the shock appeal that the real thing held. I got to thinking about shocking, bloodthirsty groups today that will someday be corporate or cultural icons. How about the Al Qaeda Rebels, The Shining Path All-Stars, The Aryan Athletics, The Hamas Hellions. I'm ordering my official jacket and cap today. They will be collector's items some day for sure.

gig

She is only 7 years old. She was clapping along to the songs I was playing and seemed to be having a great time. She told me that she had just turned 7 the other day. I asked her if anybody had sung happy birthday to her, she said no, so I led everyone in a rousing rendition for her. She seemed pleased. I was glad. She is a resident of the institution because she has been repeatedly raped by family members, is psychologically scarred and needs help to start recovering. She is only one of so many at this place with similar stories. Another little girl was holding her ears when I began the gig because she wanted to go home and didn't want to be sitting in some room away from her family. Soon she was no longer holding her ears, but was smiling and talking to me telling me her name and age and asking for songs that I had never heard of. There is a cycle of energy that takes place between a performer and the audience. Both come away changed and you always hope changed for the better. Today I came away changed for the better for sure.

shuffling off this mortal coil

It hasn't happened to me in a couple of years, that sudden awareness of my own mortality. I remember waking up one morning and really experiencing for the first time the reality of the finitude of my life. I felt as if I were straddling that line between existence and non-existence, and I could see across the line very clearly. I became acutely aware of everything my senses were taking in knowing that all of it would actually end for me. Up to that point, death had always been that unwanted guest lurking in the corner. The one you can't ask to leave because that would require acknowledging his presence. But this time death took center stage and I had to look. It sent a jolt through my body that I remember to this day.I teach religious education to 9-12 year old kids. In their classroom hanging on the wall above the blackboard in a place of great prominence is the figure of a man who has been tortured to death. I explain to them that the death mechanism in crucifixion is suffocation. The body hangs down so that the lungs start to collapse. The survival instinct compels the victim to push up against the pain of the nails in the hands and feet in an effort to breathe. Eventually the pain of that effort is too great and the victim gives up and suffocates to death.The unwanted guest in the corner of the classroom doesn't get acknowledged and the full impact of the lesson waits for another time.

abuse

Next Saturday I will be playing songs for very young children (5-10 year olds) at an institution that cares for abused kids. These kids are there because they are mentally and in some cases, physically scarred from their ordeals. We're talking physical and sexual abuse of 5 year olds!! What kind of sickness allows a person to do that to an innocent child? It is just heartbreaking. I figured that maybe I can provide a little happiness in their lives. There is such evil in the world! What can a musician do but play and pray. If anyone wants to help me, just pray that I reach one or more of these kids and that their lives are made a little better for a short while and that the "little better" becomes a "lot better" over time. And if you are stuck in some negative life currents yourself, I'll offer my music and prayers for you too. I hope it helps.

CCD

I just lost a large post on the subject of the sacrament of Reconciliation. I can't believe it! I switched to rich text after I had written the post. I did not copy it first. I am bummed.
Anyway, tomorrow I am teaching my class about the sacrament of Reconciliation, or Penance or Confession. I love teaching about this because it is a subject very close to my heart. I am a veteran sinner. I am constantly asking God to forgive me. I am human. When I am feeling down and troubled and spiritually weak and vulnerable, it is because I have sinned. At those times I find it terribly hard to resist the temptation to letguilt pull me into a downward spiral. I feel unworthy, unlovable and unloved and sometimes respond by acting in the ways that led me to sin in the first place! Some call it a sickness, I call it sin.
But I am blessed to have a remedy in the sacrament of Reconciliation. I go tell my sins to a priest and so also to God. Through the actions of the priest God cleanses my sins from my soul. I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
The God I believe in, Jesus, is the master forgiver. As he was being nailed to a cross for his perfection in the midst of imperfection, with a crown of thorns pushed into his head, with crowds of sinners mocking him, beating him, whipping him, he asked God his Father to forgive those who were persecuting him. This is a God I am glad to believe in. When I realize that "he died for our sins" means that my sins are in those nails and thorns and whips and pain, I am completely humbled.I don't dare let my guilt lead me further into sin.I rejoice that there is an answer to the pain of existence.

music

Hi, I am here to help and be helped. I am a good listener and am glad to try to help people with their problems, or just to listen.
What help do I need? Well as you may have read, I and my friend Bill are putting together a duo, but our material is so dated. Who can suggest current songs that would work for a duo? I play acoustic guitar and Bill plays the electric baritone guitar (That is kind of a cross between a bass guitar and a regular electric guitar).
Also, I have started putting together a website for the duo. We are called Out Of The Blue. The web address is http://www.geocities.com/dmac896/. It is bare bones as I am not yet an expert with HTML. Any suggestions for the page or suggestions for different host sites would be appreciated. Any HTML tips or learning resources would also be appreciated.
Hope to hear from someone!

It's been a...

It's been a while. Well I've finally landed a job after having been out of work since last August. It's only ten minutes from my home! It's also on the second shift, from 3:00 to 11:30. That's ok with me because I'll have time during the day to do things around the house that need doing and also to do some more rehearsing for the duo that my friend Bill and I have started.
I have been reading random journals for a while and there seem to be so many younger people writing journals full of venomous anger, confusion, self loathing, apathy, great beauty, brilliant writing, unique perspectives. I am so facinated by many of them. In so many cases I just want to reach out and hug these kids and tell them that it's going to be alright. I want to protect them from all the things that hurt them and make me afraid for them. I have raised three children and each of them have made me proud. I want to understand what makes these troubled kids troubled and try to help them.
If anyone reads this and would like to talk, I'm here for you.

Had an interview...

Had an interview today at a company close by...about 25 minute drive. It seems to be a good fit for me. The person interviewing me was very impressed with my credentials and we seemed to hit it off. I hope this one works out.
Yesterday was the Lifeteen Mass for Super Bowl Sunday so the congregation was comparatively small. But we played and sang very well. We got the people singing along with us. It feels so good to use my talent for the glory of God. I thank him for blessing me.
My mother's house is getting closer to the closing. She died in September and we are finally getting near the end of the process. Still have to finish the cleanout....broom clean they call it. Then when all is said and done, we should be able to pay off all our credit cards!! What a feeling that will be. Haven't been debt free since I was a young man. Of course now I have to manage the money and try to make it grow. Any good investment advice out there?

kids

I just finished saying bedtime prayers with my 13 year old son. What a joy it is! After prayers we talk about things. He reminded me about the bedtime stories I used to tell him and his older brother and sister when they were young. That was such fun. I would go in completely unprepared and make up a story on the spot. They still have almost photographic memories of them.
The bond of love between parent and child is a miracle. It is joyous, spontaneous, unconditional, sacred. It is heaven on earth. It is the garden of eden. I remember not wanting kids because I didn't want to invest my love in themonly to have themgrow up to think of me as old and in the way and not respect me as I had seen happen with my brother and my parents and in other families. I didn't understand the power of love. What you give you get. I remember their births, how I cried with joy as they took their first breaths and cried for the first time. How I held them for the first time and felt an overpowering wave of love fill me.
I love you God for you are love and I have tasted it and it is good.

Easy come easy g...

Easy come easy go. My new job lasted 4 days. A new record for me. It turns out that I should have acted on my first impression of the company and not accepted the job. I wasn't experienced enough in the areas they were looking for, so they let me go today. Their job interview process needs vast improvement. They never should have hired me. I am glad that it didn't work out, though,because I was very uncomfortable having to ask a lot of questions and getting exasperated, pained expressions with the answers. So now I move on to bigger and better things.
My passions are writing and performing music and teaching religious education. I'm sure that I need to combine these somehow in a way that will pay me a living wage, and keep me spiritually and emotionally balanced. Any ideas would be very welcome.

VATICAN CITY (J...

VATICAN CITY (Jan. 24) - Pope John Paul II criticized the media on Saturday, saying they often give a positive depiction of extramarital sex, contraception, abortion and homosexuality that is harmful to society....
"All communication has a moral dimension," his statement said. "People grow or diminish in moral stature by the words which they speak and the messages which they choose to hear."
Thank you your holiness.
My old band had a get together last night because our old drummer, who had moved to Ireland 12 years ago, was in the area and wanted to see us all. It was great fun, lots of laughs and reminicences. One of the things he talked about that stuck with me is that the spread of American culture is like a tidal wave from which there is no escape. When he comes back to America he finds it astonishing the amount of choices that we have here. You can go out at any time of the day or night and find just about anything you want or need. He said it is getting more and more like that in Galway and it is not necessarily a good thing. He went to Ireland to reduce his stress levels. The American culture that is rapidly expanding over the world is so loudand crass and manic and corrupt and overbearing and rude and greedy and sleazy.....The voices of moderation and peace and righteousness and simplicity and humility are drown out by the tidal wave.
So thank you Pope John Paul for your words of wisdom and your use of the new technology to spread the word.

OK fo...

OK four days on the job and I'm ready for a change. My boss is not exactly the most warm wonderful person. There are some things in this job that I need help in understanding since I have no experience in a few areas. When I ask him for help, he gives me a pained expression of exasperation that makes me feel like I am ruining his day. He treats people like they can never measure up to his standards. I have received not one word of encouragement or praise. I found out on the first day that there is a 30 day trial period that I was not told about. So my every move and action is being examined under a microscope. I do not feel at all comfortable working there. I am actually glad about the 39 day trial because I can hold on for a month and then when they let me go, I can find something else or finally get around to making music my vocation.
I had a gig tonight at a local club. It was great to let the tension of the week go through the music. Why am I hesitant to commit myself to music as a career? It's what I do best and love most.
Lord give me the courage and strength to follow my passion

The new job h...

The new job has certainly disrupted my sleeping pattern. I now go to bed around 10 PM, then wake up every hour and look at the clock to see if it's time to get up. In order to continue my morning routine of 30 minutes on the stationary bike, I get up at 5AM. ThenI exercise, shower, breakfast and commute.
Beingunemployed for 6 months added a layer of dust to my brain and the new job is violently shaking it off.
My duo gig is still happening and is coming close to conflicting with the job. I have a gig on Friday night at 7PM. This means that I have to drop off the PA system the night before at my partner's house. Then on Friday, I have to drive from work at 5 PM get to the gig at 6:30, with barely enough time to set up, tune up and play. No dinner. And of course I have to get up early on Saturday to teach my CCD class. But I'm still smiling! Oh the things we do for love.

My last day ...

My last day of freedom! Have I been really living it up with wine women and song? Naah. Some mundane chores and then helping my 13 year old son get started on his science experiment. That was fun because I learned the formula for calculating the time it takes for an object to fall a known distance. Go here if you are interested...
http://www.npac.syr.edu/REU/reu94/williams/ch3/subsection3_3_3.html
I am enjoying reading all the journals. There are some very intelligent, well educated people out there doing some great writing. Probing the depths of their minds and souls and revealing what they find. We humans are amazing. God does really good work, if I do say so myself.

Two ...

Two more days until the new job. Not that I'm counting. I found out that an old co-worker of mine with whom I worked for about 20 years at two different companies is also working at the company where I will be starting on Tuesday. That is good news because I like the guy and because I will not be starting out there completely alone. At least I will have someone who can fill me in on the inside information about how the company runs and who to watch out for, and who to have on my side.
Today being Sunday, I will be playing my guitar and singing for the 6:15 Mass. This is the Lifeteen Mass, geared towards the teens of the parish. We play modern Christian music that the teens can relate to more than the traditional organ based liturgical music that I grew up on. I used to hate Sundays when I was a kidbut now I like them because I get to do what I love most.
Yesterday I taught my weekly religious education class. It is a class for young kids that either have no religious training or have fallen behind and need to catch up. The course is kind of an overview of the Church's teaching with an emphasis on getting to know and to believe in and to love Jesus.
Catechism is no longer just the memorization of boring questions and answers. It is much more interactive and interesting for the kids. For me I love teaching because it gets me closer to God and keeps me on the path. It also keeps me in the fight against the spiritually dulling effects of the dominant secular culture.

Toda...

Today my wife and I and my 13 yr old son spent most of the day cleaning out my deceased mother's house. We rented a 20 yard dumpster and threw into iteverythingfrom the house that no family members (my sisterand brother)wanted and that were thought not worth trying to sell.
She died in September and we have already gone through all the personal effects and taken those items that have a special meaning.
It was not as difficult now as it was a few months ago. Then, I would go to her house with the intention of cleaning up, find some item that triggered memories of some kind and end up spacing out for hours.I felt incapable of starting the clean-out because it felt like I was dismantling my whole life.

Ou...

Our oil burner went bust today. I was taking a shower and could not get any hot water. Of course we just happen to be going through a record breaking cold wave. Right now the house is getting to be rather cool. The repair person is supposed to be here before 5PM. So I'll wait and hope for the best.
The new job starts on Tuesday not Monday as previously scheduled. This gives me another day to stress out about it. That's OK though, stress can be good for you as long as recognize that it is self-created and controllable. It's like stage fright. In my first band when I was in high school, on one of our first gigs, I was so shy that I played the entire gig with my back to the audience. I could not face them knowing that my every move and sound was being witnessed and judged. I finally realized that I was in control of my sound and that as long as I had confidence in what I was doing, which I did, I could allow people into my world and they would appreciate what they were hearing. So I have confidence in my qualifications for this job, the company wants me, so there is nothing to stress about really, except that it is all new people, environment, procedures to get used to. So be it. Later people

pecosbill

Reading random journals is depressing. It reminds me of how I felt when I was young; angry most of the time, hating the dominant culture, finding peace nowhere. Wanting to go somewhere, anywhere but where I was. Seeing no future. I guess it's just the way things are for us humans. This disaffected youth syndrome has been going on since there were youths to be disaffected. So all I can say to all you disaffected youths is, take heart. No matter what you do, short of sucide, time will march on and you will grow as you experience more and more of what life has to offer. Amazingly, you will become the dominant culture, you will become parents with disaffected children(possibly, but that's a whole other story). This life that you hate so much will become your refuge. You will cling to it with all your strength. You will love your children with a love so strong that you will fall in love with love itself. Or you may not, depending in large part on whether or not you become involved with addictive substances. They will put you into a hell on earth. That may be where you feel most comfortable of course.
Then there is God, the creator, the clouds of unknowing or whatever you call it/him/her. Simply by choosing to believe and then by praying you will find that inner peace so longed for and yet so difficult to achieve. Actually you never achieve it. It is given to you. You must be willing to accept it to have it. It is not easy to surrender your almighty self to one unseen. But faith is both a gift and an act of will. If you decide you have had it with life as you know it, try choosing to believe, then pray to who you believe in and see what happens. Then report back to me. I'll be waiting.